Faith is His Timing

I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to write this blog post. I started the blog so I could journal and write my thoughts during this process, but also to have the support and prayers of all those reading. But when this news came, I sorta wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out. But the people that I did tell were so gracious and kind and it really did make it easier to bear. So the sad truth is that my little grey circles didn't make it. I woke up on Monday morning and had started passing big clots which was a bad sign. I wasn't sure what it meant at first but then more came and I was pretty sure. Justin was about to go to work and just before he left I started crying and told him I was pretty sure the eggs didn't take and he crawled into bed with me in his button down shirt and tie and held me for a little bit while I cried....  

I couldn't call the clinic yet because it was still before 8, but he said he was going to stay with me at least untill I could call and get some answers. I ended up leaving a message and the nurse called back about an hour later. She said I should come in and get a blood test to make sure. I showered and went to the clinic and did a simple blood test. The nurse said that it was possible that they were still there but that I could have miscarried or they may not have implanted at all. They said to go home and they'd call us when they got results back. We went to my parents house for a little bit because they live only a few minutes away from the clinic. I cried a little and they were very nice and reassuring. For some reason, I didn't want to hear all the stories about all the women who had also tried and failed. I guess I just wanted to mourn my little eggs. 

I ended up telling my sisters as well as a couple of my close friends that I had recently spoken to about all this. They were all very nice and cried with me a little. The loss of the eggs started my period a few days earlier than expected and it came with a vengeance. I was used to pretty intense periods from my experience with endometriosis and the only thing that helps those cramps go away is Alleve. But I wasn't allowed to take it until I knew for sure. My mom and sister brought me lunch from Zupas but in order to eat it, I needed those cramps to go away. So I called the doc to get my results. They told me it was negative and that I could go ahead and take any medicine I needed. The tomato basil soup from Zupas was just what I needed. Mom also bought some of their caramel creme brulee which was delicious! She and my sister just chatted and hung out and made me feel a little better. 

The hard thing was that Justin had finally gone to work but we were supposed to go to a Jazz v Clippers preseason game with my sister Kelly and her hubby Jared. I texted her saying I wasn't sure I was up for it. She replied saying that was fine but still wanted me to come if I could. Then about an hour later, she called and said it would be good for me to get out and think about something else and begged me to come. haha. I didn't want to listen but after thinking about it, decided she was right, so we went. It was the four of us, plus Kelly's friend from high school that I knew a little bit and we all drove together. Luckily the medicine was working great so I felt relatively normal. The game was good and I sat on the end and held Justin's hand the whole time. Fortunately he sat next to Jared so he could talk about the game instead of all my drama. I know it's not really drama and it was ok for me to be sad, but I was grateful that Justin didn't have to think about it as much as I did. haha. 

Here's us at the game. :)

Isn't he handsome?? ;)

So the last few days have been hard. Its been a mix of feelings like this... 

and this... 

And I have to be honest, I've definitely reverted back a little and had some bitter and "Why me?" thought go through my head. There was a teeny tiny baby at the Jazz game only a few rows ahead of my and I admit that I felt a bit of jealousy and anger. However, I prefer the sentiment from the later. (as well as the quote at the top about being strong.) It's hard to see the eternal perspective in all this but it's honestly the only thing that makes it possible to get through the day. I don't have any idea why these little grey circles decided not to stay, but I have faith that there is a reason and a plan that said this needed to happen the way it did. And I still know that my little angels are up there waiting to come to me. I know they're there and I know they are meant for me and Justin to raise. The timing is just something I'll have to trust in. I know we've all heard the quote from Elder Neal A Maxwell...

It's the only thing I have left right now, Faith. So this is me, having faith in His timing. 

So what's next? A Frozen Embryo Transfer. I've already started on the medication but I'll write another blog about it later. Till then, I'll continue to ask for your prayers that my one grey circle left will do better than it's siblings.